Gillian Stone

Spirit Photographs

June 
(A warm liminal space post-Denial) 

I dropped off the weight for you. 
I wrapped it in cloth and truth. 
It was burning a hole in my pocket 
after pounding the pavement in June. 

 I stopped the clock on you, 
wilted by heat and sonic perfume. 
A wall of words that I couldn’t see through 
in the warmth of the pavement in June. 

 I dropped off the weight and grew 
away from the wall to the west of you. 
I smelled like truth and your shampoo 
in the warmth of the pavement in June. 

Amends 
(Self-mercy and accountability after an era of Anger) 

I felt you under my breath… 

Somewhere, 
somewhere you are out there 
breathing. 
That’s all that I really know. 
A memory: 
I stumbled, I’d been drinking. 
I couldn’t stand to be seen. 
A memory, 
a bar in the Old City, 
too haunted to hope. 

I felt you under my breath… 

In my 20’s, 
filled with piss and pining, 
filled with limerence and grieving 
leaving my body at the door. 
A memory: 
afraid of all your victories, 
I stumbled on my words. 
I was angry, 
and in you I made an enemy – 
I didn’t mean to 
I’m sorry. 

I felt you under my breath, 
growling, mewling in my chest. 
A fountain of youth I whetted then left. 
Regret is a wily muse, but I’ll name it out 
loud. 

Raven’s Song 
(Bargaining with a demon of self-destruction) 

Raven’s Song, 
I’m stilling hanging on. 

I hold a torch for a devil, 
I saw his eyes. 
I hold a torch for a devil 
and the burning won’t die. 

Raven’s Song, 
I’m stilling hanging on. 

I’ll take the torch to the river 
in the dead of night. 
I’ll take the torch to the river, 
that blinding burning light. 

Raven’s Song, 
I’m stilling hanging on. 

I will drown in the river to snuff its life. 
Drowning in the river to stay alive. 

Raven’s Song, 
I’m stilling hanging on. 

Solitude 
(An ode to Depression I unearthed at the onset of pestilence while mining Black Sabbath) 

My name it means nothing 
My fortune is less 
My future is shrouded in dark wilderness 
Sunshine is far away, clouds linger on 
Everything I possessed – now they are gone 

O where can I go to and what can I do? 
Nothing can please me only thoughts are of you 
You just laughed when I begged you to stay 
I've not stopped crying since you went away 

The world is a lonely place – you're on your own 
Guess I will go home – sit down and moan. 
Crying and thinking is all that I do 
Memories I have remind me of you 

The Throne 
(A mercurial mind grappling with the Acceptance of a helping hand, an open heart, and a kind love) 

The Throne of a siren song 
becoming me. 
And I know that it won’t be long. 
Come find me. 
He’s peaceful and fast asleep, 
I’m drowning. 
And I know that it won't be long. 
Come find me. 
Lead me. 

Lead me to the dock and 
wrap me round the ankles, 
throw me in a water 
that I can’t afford to drink.   

I think we’ll have a daughter 
and name her by his father. 
I’m so afraid of the water 
that I can’t afford to think. 

Lead me to the dock and 
lock me round the ankles, 
I’m bleeding and I’m honest – 
what if I can’t breathe? 

“I think we’ll have another” 
is something I can’t suffer. 
I’ve suffered and I’ve suffered and 
his hand is helping me. 

The Throne. 

Cut me from the dock and 
lift me from the water, 
my mind is untoward 
and it sends me out to sea. 

I love him, oh I love him, 
I kissed him round the ankles, 
I nuzzled at his skirts 
as he pulled me from the sea. 

He took me to his garden 
wild with reeds and Chardon. 
He took me to his Throne 
and he sat down beside me. 

The water was below him, 
it pooled around this Throne and 
I’m so used to being alone now, 
what if I can’t breathe? 

The Throne.

~

SHELF

(Shelf is the soundscape of the space between dissociation and belonging)

Wait for me. 
I said wait, please. 
I’ve been a long time running. 
I want to put you on a shelf that’s nice and sturdy,  
to collect dust in sunbeams until I’m ready. 

Wait for me. 
I am late to the party. 
I’ve been wasting all my breath on a corpse, making memories for nothing.  
I’m heavy, but I’m not that far away. 

I’m not that far away. 

Wait for me. 
I said wait, please, what’s the hurry baby?

~

Bridges

(Bridges is the soundscape of recovery)

Skyrockets on fire. 
Take these bridges off their wires. 
Drowned saints and poignant liars pounding flesh for their desires. 

Hold your horses, 
hold your horses, 
hold your horses! 

These bridges are burnt and remorseless. 

Burned all one night, burned all one night, 
these bridges, bridges, they burned all one night… 

She left before the sun. 
She left before we were done.